Fffffffffffffffffff.

Gotta crank this out right quick--*slap*

Sorry, sorry. But really, I'm trying to get this out before Matt gets here.

Because I have nothing better to do than introspect when driving the Mako, due to my own foolishness and complete inability to get certain persons out of my head, I realized that I either have a crush to end all crushes or--

--And I can't express how heavily I make this statement, because this is indeed heavy material--

--I'm in love.

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Fuck you, no it's not. I'm still waist-deep in a 9-month depression from the LAST girl I was in love with. While ontologically it's better now rather than distracting me during school, I can't bury myself under school work to keep my mind away from it.

But seriously, I don't need or want this right now.

P.S.: You people should come visit me during Spring Break. I'll be all by my lonesome and will need the company to not go OMGWTFBBQ-crazy.

This might actually be tougher than the laser-guided amnesia for which we sometimes wish.

I was listening to Something Corporate tonight, and when it came to Only Ashes, I thought of the line "Incinerate what's left of this and torch the part of me that's you," because holy crap I, and I'm sure all of us at one point or another, have thought I just want to forget this person! Me, I still dwell on Brenna way too fucking much. Kinda-sorta-not-really doesn't help that I saw her boyfriend on facebook just yesterday as of this post because we have a mutual friend, but I digress.

I was thinking about this line and the fabled "forget whatever you don't want to remember!" technology that society indubitably fantasizes about every so often. I mean, just forgetting all the time I spent with her? All the repercussions she's had on my life? Are you kidding me? I was such a loser before I met her. I'm still a loser, but now I don't suck so much in a conversation.

I grew so much as a person last year. I still have a lot of growing to do. Seeing that she has moved on when I last heard that she wouldn't sleep or eat because I wouldn't talk to her was more than a kick in the pants.

I don't care so much about forgetting her. I just don't want to be so sad anymore.

Man, skag pocket watches.

So I've been thinking lately about communication and whatnot, and to be totally honest the thought was mostly spurred by Ben telling me that I need to make contact with real people (which is what I do every night there's a stream?), but I'm thinking of getting a very basic phone with just calling, no texting, no smartphones, just the ability to make a call anywhere I have a signal.

I've found myself using texting less and less for talking to people and more keeping my dad updated on work and whatnot and updating my facebook and Twitter, which is technically part of the problem, but that's neither here nor there.

Quick sidenote: Ian, I just found myself trying to insert a stupid witty phrase. This is why I should not be fed compliments.


Anyway, I'm also going to try to wean myself off facebook and Twitter a little. This is probably horribly counterproductive towards any semblance of a social life I have right now, but whatevs.

Another quick sidenote: If you'll glance up a paragraph or two, you'll notice that I said facebook and Twitter were neither here nor there, but I mentioned them not two sentences later... Go figure.

So I'm gonna go this weekend trying to text as little as possible and make calls when I can.

And yes, people of the world who are unendingly harassed by me, rejoice, for I shall text you no longer, and probably facebook/Tweet you far less.

This must be what it feels like to euthanize my first born.

Today marks the end of an era. After three years of faithful service, my iPod is no longer functional. While that's not entirely true as I can still play it through my iHome or in a car through an FM transmitter, it will no longer sync with my computer. Even having it connected to my computer causes iTunes to stop functioning.

My only request is that I remain in your thoughts during this trial.

It was my understanding that this was a well-known fact

For those of you who don't already know, I flip shit when people I can normally talk to don't talk to me anymore. I have too much trouble making friends and keeping them to nonchalantly brush off when one of my closest friends decides for whatever reason that talking to me isn't worth it.

What is "it"? Hell if I know. But maybe that's the problem. Or I could just live in a town filled with assholes. Either or.

Anything but this.

I feel absolutely terrible tonight. Not quite beyond words because words can do damn near anything, but probably beyond what I'm capable of saying. My parents tell me I'm a great writer, but I suck at conveying feelings, and thoughts, and emotions, and anything really worth writing about. I'm just decent at writing a story.

I was talking to Lexie Mumey earlier tonight, and we got on the subject of Brenna which then moved to religion and now I just feel like I want to cry, or my chest wants to rip open, and I just want to go to sleep at this point. I'm not saying Lexie made me feel like shit, not at all. She was just who I was talking to.

In an attempt to feel a little better, I've been listening to Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance on repeat for maybe an hour, but I don't think it's really helping. Here are the lyrics for posterity.

(Na Na Na...)

Drugs
Gimme drugs
Gimme drugs
I don't need 'em
But I'll sell what you got
Take the cash
And I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall
Hit the gas
Kill 'em all
And we crawl
And we crawl
And we crawl
You be my detonator

Love
Gimme love
Gimme love
I don't need it
But I'll take what I want
From your heart
And I'll keep it in a bag
In a box
Put an X on the floor
Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme more
Shut up and sing it with me

(Na Na Na...)

From mall security
To every enemy
We're on your property
Standing in V formation

(Na Na Na...)

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

(More! Gimme more! Gimme more!)

Oh, let me tell ya 'bout the sad man
Shut up and let me see your jazz hands
Remember when you were a madman
Thought you was Batman
Hit the party with a gas can
Kiss me you animal

(Na Na Na...)

You run the company
Fuck like a Kennedy
I think we'd rather be
Burning your information

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

And right here
Right now
All the way in Battery City
The little children
Raised their open filthy palms
Like tiny daggers up to heaven
And all the juvee halls
And the ritalin rats
Ask angels made from neon
and fucking garbage
Scream out!
"What will save us?"
And the sky opened up

Everybody wants to change the world
Everybody wants to change the world
But no one,
No one wants to die
Wanna try, wanna try, wanna try
Wanna try, wanna try, now
I'll be your detonator

(Na Na Na...)

Make no apologies
It's death or victory
On my authority
Crash and burn
Young and loaded

Drop like a bulletshell
Dress like a sleeper cell
I'd rather go to hell
Than be in purgatory
Cut my hair
Gag and bore me
Pull this pin
Let this world explode

The very first time I heard this song, I flipped out. I danced like crazy, shouted the chorus, the whole shebang. I have not heard such a cool and awesome song in years, not since the first time I listened to Afterlife. It's not doing much for me right now. I was hoping it might cheer me up, or at least even out my head, because I'm running on all cylinders and am generally having an awful night. My mom is probably going to have us go to church tomorrow, and it's 2:09 in the morning, and tomorrow (today) is going to be terrible.

But it didn't. And now I'm flipping SHIT because I'm lonely, and I just want someone to talk to me, and no one will. For the longest time, I would only try to talk to one or two people on facebook, and then say "Oh, no one wants to talk to me!" even though I didn't even try to talk to anyone else. But recently, I've found that what I said a while back holds true. When I want to talk to someone, it is incredibly rare that I'll get someone I want to have conversation with immediately and they'll stick around. Half the time I get a formal "hi" and that's it. Either this past week or the week before (I honestly can't remember at this point) I put a status up on facebook telling people to just fucking ignore me if they're going to say "hi" and then stop responding. But the worst is that even people who are awesome and just fun to hang out and talk with won't even respond. Some of my close friends either don't get the message, or something else happens and they let it go by. I don't know why, but it's one of many things that have me so close to breaking down that I'm terrified if I will see another peaceful day in the foreseeable future.

If anyone caught my Tweet about the technological black hole earlier, it's not helping either. I understand that technology isn't the end-all-be-all. But goddammit, when that's one of the only sources of interaction I have, I'd really like for it to work like it's supposed to.

"You know what really grinds my gears?

You, America! **** you!"

I kid, people, I kid.

But don't push berserk buttons for a laugh. I can understand finding a flustered and confused person funny, but someone who is genuinely distressed or pissed off is not funny. At all. I know this because I live in a city where that is a favorite past time. For those of you who are bothering to read this and perhaps have read it from the beginning, well, that's partially why I started this here blag. I know the entire schtick at the beginning was to "save my reputation!" Yes. Kinda like trying to save an Ensign on Star Trek. He is, for all intents and purposes, already dead. Yeah. Anyway: Jack said that part of the problem with the entire Kill/Fuck/Marry scenario was that I was freaking out so bad over what everyone was saying, and that I should have just tried to play it cool, but I can't. I cannot stand the idea that people actually get enjoyment out of others' suffering. There's a word for that: torture. Yeah. I live in the vicinity of a ton of a sadists. Awesome.

I get that part that playing it cool takes away from the fun of people looking to get a jolly out of a pissed off person, but then that clicks: These people are fucking sadists. And yeah, I lose it at that point.

My friend Tai here has an awesome shirt on the subject:

Atta girl.