It was my understanding that this was a well-known fact

For those of you who don't already know, I flip shit when people I can normally talk to don't talk to me anymore. I have too much trouble making friends and keeping them to nonchalantly brush off when one of my closest friends decides for whatever reason that talking to me isn't worth it.

What is "it"? Hell if I know. But maybe that's the problem. Or I could just live in a town filled with assholes. Either or.

Anything but this.

I feel absolutely terrible tonight. Not quite beyond words because words can do damn near anything, but probably beyond what I'm capable of saying. My parents tell me I'm a great writer, but I suck at conveying feelings, and thoughts, and emotions, and anything really worth writing about. I'm just decent at writing a story.

I was talking to Lexie Mumey earlier tonight, and we got on the subject of Brenna which then moved to religion and now I just feel like I want to cry, or my chest wants to rip open, and I just want to go to sleep at this point. I'm not saying Lexie made me feel like shit, not at all. She was just who I was talking to.

In an attempt to feel a little better, I've been listening to Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance on repeat for maybe an hour, but I don't think it's really helping. Here are the lyrics for posterity.

(Na Na Na...)

Drugs
Gimme drugs
Gimme drugs
I don't need 'em
But I'll sell what you got
Take the cash
And I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall
Hit the gas
Kill 'em all
And we crawl
And we crawl
And we crawl
You be my detonator

Love
Gimme love
Gimme love
I don't need it
But I'll take what I want
From your heart
And I'll keep it in a bag
In a box
Put an X on the floor
Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme more
Shut up and sing it with me

(Na Na Na...)

From mall security
To every enemy
We're on your property
Standing in V formation

(Na Na Na...)

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

(More! Gimme more! Gimme more!)

Oh, let me tell ya 'bout the sad man
Shut up and let me see your jazz hands
Remember when you were a madman
Thought you was Batman
Hit the party with a gas can
Kiss me you animal

(Na Na Na...)

You run the company
Fuck like a Kennedy
I think we'd rather be
Burning your information

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

And right here
Right now
All the way in Battery City
The little children
Raised their open filthy palms
Like tiny daggers up to heaven
And all the juvee halls
And the ritalin rats
Ask angels made from neon
and fucking garbage
Scream out!
"What will save us?"
And the sky opened up

Everybody wants to change the world
Everybody wants to change the world
But no one,
No one wants to die
Wanna try, wanna try, wanna try
Wanna try, wanna try, now
I'll be your detonator

(Na Na Na...)

Make no apologies
It's death or victory
On my authority
Crash and burn
Young and loaded

Drop like a bulletshell
Dress like a sleeper cell
I'd rather go to hell
Than be in purgatory
Cut my hair
Gag and bore me
Pull this pin
Let this world explode

The very first time I heard this song, I flipped out. I danced like crazy, shouted the chorus, the whole shebang. I have not heard such a cool and awesome song in years, not since the first time I listened to Afterlife. It's not doing much for me right now. I was hoping it might cheer me up, or at least even out my head, because I'm running on all cylinders and am generally having an awful night. My mom is probably going to have us go to church tomorrow, and it's 2:09 in the morning, and tomorrow (today) is going to be terrible.

But it didn't. And now I'm flipping SHIT because I'm lonely, and I just want someone to talk to me, and no one will. For the longest time, I would only try to talk to one or two people on facebook, and then say "Oh, no one wants to talk to me!" even though I didn't even try to talk to anyone else. But recently, I've found that what I said a while back holds true. When I want to talk to someone, it is incredibly rare that I'll get someone I want to have conversation with immediately and they'll stick around. Half the time I get a formal "hi" and that's it. Either this past week or the week before (I honestly can't remember at this point) I put a status up on facebook telling people to just fucking ignore me if they're going to say "hi" and then stop responding. But the worst is that even people who are awesome and just fun to hang out and talk with won't even respond. Some of my close friends either don't get the message, or something else happens and they let it go by. I don't know why, but it's one of many things that have me so close to breaking down that I'm terrified if I will see another peaceful day in the foreseeable future.

If anyone caught my Tweet about the technological black hole earlier, it's not helping either. I understand that technology isn't the end-all-be-all. But goddammit, when that's one of the only sources of interaction I have, I'd really like for it to work like it's supposed to.

"You know what really grinds my gears?

You, America! **** you!"

I kid, people, I kid.

But don't push berserk buttons for a laugh. I can understand finding a flustered and confused person funny, but someone who is genuinely distressed or pissed off is not funny. At all. I know this because I live in a city where that is a favorite past time. For those of you who are bothering to read this and perhaps have read it from the beginning, well, that's partially why I started this here blag. I know the entire schtick at the beginning was to "save my reputation!" Yes. Kinda like trying to save an Ensign on Star Trek. He is, for all intents and purposes, already dead. Yeah. Anyway: Jack said that part of the problem with the entire Kill/Fuck/Marry scenario was that I was freaking out so bad over what everyone was saying, and that I should have just tried to play it cool, but I can't. I cannot stand the idea that people actually get enjoyment out of others' suffering. There's a word for that: torture. Yeah. I live in the vicinity of a ton of a sadists. Awesome.

I get that part that playing it cool takes away from the fun of people looking to get a jolly out of a pissed off person, but then that clicks: These people are fucking sadists. And yeah, I lose it at that point.

My friend Tai here has an awesome shirt on the subject:

Atta girl.

Infatuation sucks.

THE END. Zorz. The endzorz. Yeah.



But really, it does kinda stink.

Glee? Skag that.

I'd be amazed if anyone didn't know what Glee is. It's ridiculously popular, with an emphasis on ridiculous.

So, a bunch of my friends and siblings love Glee, but when Buzz saw the episode with One by U2, he said he hated it. He said it stripped the soul from the song, which is of course what made it great.

I've never like Glee, ever since I first heard when they first played their rendition of Don't Stop Believin'. It, guess what, stripped the soul out of the song!

Now I'm not saying that the people in Glee aren't talented. They are. A lot more talented than I am. But they're trying to shoehorn amazing songs that each have an incredibly unique vocal style into maybe... Two different vocal types? I mean, yeah, the voices sound different and stuff. But the styles are all incredibly similar. You can't have three guys that sound super similar try to do Steve Perry, then Bono, and then Jim Morrison. It just cannot happen. Seriously, get out if you're going to try it.

HELL-o.

As wonderfully misleading the title may be, I'm not to spam "hell", though I'm kinda feeling like I just got dragged through there and back a few times.

I just got hit with a huge wave of nostalgia/betrayal/pain about Brenna. I mean, I never fail to bitch about her, but this was... Wow. This one was really bad. Like, I miss having someone to whom I can talk who will almost always reply.

I probably shouldn't have just switched over to pure LoG, but I was listening to my entire iTunes library on shuffle, and I was just getting more depressed. Nothing like some good ol' RAGE (tm) to calm my gut.

Where was I? I mean, I miss the physical side of our relationship, and I don't mean sex, I'm still a virgin, but more the part that I always had someone there. There were times when for whatever reason I couldn't see Brenna, almost always her dad's doing, but I could still text her or call her. And now what? I wouldn't talk to her if she were the one person my phone could call, but it's still totally hit-and-miss on whether or not someone else will talk to me. You know, I typed that up without really thinking about the word "still", but that's entirely true. It was and always has been hit-and-miss.

It really doesn't help that my best friend totally dropped the ball today. You know, I was totally cool with the fact that he has had school the past two months, but don't stop by, say "Yeah, we're totally going to hang out on Thursday!" and then not show up or even tell me why the hell you were gone. It's really hard to not cuss you out, because that was a huge douche bag move.

Alright. I'm done. There's my thoughts. Do with them what you will.

Mmm whatcha said...

I don't say "I'm sorry" when something bad happens to someone and it's not my fault, because I don't have anything to be sorry for. However, I can say "my condolences" because that is perfectly viable.

BTDub, I'm not saying that I never say "I'm sorry." If I screw up, yes, I'll say that I'm sorry. Gosh.