Anything but this.

I feel absolutely terrible tonight. Not quite beyond words because words can do damn near anything, but probably beyond what I'm capable of saying. My parents tell me I'm a great writer, but I suck at conveying feelings, and thoughts, and emotions, and anything really worth writing about. I'm just decent at writing a story.

I was talking to Lexie Mumey earlier tonight, and we got on the subject of Brenna which then moved to religion and now I just feel like I want to cry, or my chest wants to rip open, and I just want to go to sleep at this point. I'm not saying Lexie made me feel like shit, not at all. She was just who I was talking to.

In an attempt to feel a little better, I've been listening to Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance on repeat for maybe an hour, but I don't think it's really helping. Here are the lyrics for posterity.

(Na Na Na...)

Drugs
Gimme drugs
Gimme drugs
I don't need 'em
But I'll sell what you got
Take the cash
And I'll keep it
Eight legs to the wall
Hit the gas
Kill 'em all
And we crawl
And we crawl
And we crawl
You be my detonator

Love
Gimme love
Gimme love
I don't need it
But I'll take what I want
From your heart
And I'll keep it in a bag
In a box
Put an X on the floor
Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme more
Shut up and sing it with me

(Na Na Na...)

From mall security
To every enemy
We're on your property
Standing in V formation

(Na Na Na...)

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

(More! Gimme more! Gimme more!)

Oh, let me tell ya 'bout the sad man
Shut up and let me see your jazz hands
Remember when you were a madman
Thought you was Batman
Hit the party with a gas can
Kiss me you animal

(Na Na Na...)

You run the company
Fuck like a Kennedy
I think we'd rather be
Burning your information

Let's blow an artery
Eat plastic surgery
Keep your apology
Give us more detonation

And right here
Right now
All the way in Battery City
The little children
Raised their open filthy palms
Like tiny daggers up to heaven
And all the juvee halls
And the ritalin rats
Ask angels made from neon
and fucking garbage
Scream out!
"What will save us?"
And the sky opened up

Everybody wants to change the world
Everybody wants to change the world
But no one,
No one wants to die
Wanna try, wanna try, wanna try
Wanna try, wanna try, now
I'll be your detonator

(Na Na Na...)

Make no apologies
It's death or victory
On my authority
Crash and burn
Young and loaded

Drop like a bulletshell
Dress like a sleeper cell
I'd rather go to hell
Than be in purgatory
Cut my hair
Gag and bore me
Pull this pin
Let this world explode

The very first time I heard this song, I flipped out. I danced like crazy, shouted the chorus, the whole shebang. I have not heard such a cool and awesome song in years, not since the first time I listened to Afterlife. It's not doing much for me right now. I was hoping it might cheer me up, or at least even out my head, because I'm running on all cylinders and am generally having an awful night. My mom is probably going to have us go to church tomorrow, and it's 2:09 in the morning, and tomorrow (today) is going to be terrible.

But it didn't. And now I'm flipping SHIT because I'm lonely, and I just want someone to talk to me, and no one will. For the longest time, I would only try to talk to one or two people on facebook, and then say "Oh, no one wants to talk to me!" even though I didn't even try to talk to anyone else. But recently, I've found that what I said a while back holds true. When I want to talk to someone, it is incredibly rare that I'll get someone I want to have conversation with immediately and they'll stick around. Half the time I get a formal "hi" and that's it. Either this past week or the week before (I honestly can't remember at this point) I put a status up on facebook telling people to just fucking ignore me if they're going to say "hi" and then stop responding. But the worst is that even people who are awesome and just fun to hang out and talk with won't even respond. Some of my close friends either don't get the message, or something else happens and they let it go by. I don't know why, but it's one of many things that have me so close to breaking down that I'm terrified if I will see another peaceful day in the foreseeable future.

If anyone caught my Tweet about the technological black hole earlier, it's not helping either. I understand that technology isn't the end-all-be-all. But goddammit, when that's one of the only sources of interaction I have, I'd really like for it to work like it's supposed to.